Rants, Raves & Restless Thoughts

Christmas, Birthdays or any other special occasion loses its
meaning when observed in solitude or when celebrated far away from one’s family
& friends. One realizes that certain occasions which he considers momentous
are in fact just the same as any other regular day. I cringe at the thought of
how difficult it must have been for overseas contract workers of yore, when
communications and technology were not as developed and as readily accessible
as they are now, when mail travelled at a snails pace and the robotic
transcript of telegrams conveyed the most urgent of messages, how depressing it
must have been for them back then. I utter a silent prayer of thanksgiving for
the blessing of high technology and continue to google some relevant
information.

According to statistics for 2005-06 and Encarta 2005 the
life expectancy of males in the Philippines is 67 years old, which puts me a year and a half way past middle age when I add
another notch in my ring of life. It’s seems so surreal how time has flown by
so fast. Sometimes it’s just hard to grasp that three and a half decades have
passed by, seemingly in just a blink of an eye, some my memories from my youth
and young adulthood are still fresh, as if it just happened yesterday. A few
strands of grey in my hair evidently indicate that half a lifetime has indeed
come and gone, inspiring me to look back and take stock of my existence.

Up until the time I came to Doha, my life was one hell of a roller
coaster ride. I have been a rebel with a twisted cause, a disillusioned
dreamer, a renewed catholic, a self-rehabilitated junkie, a repentant son, a
good friend, a less than ideal hubby and a loving dad amongst many other
things. In my search for lasting friendships, I mingled with a variety of
people from different walks of life; I’ve socialized with friends fed with a
silver spoon, hung out with peers from the working class, fraternized with
comrades from the masses, exchanged ideas with nerds, discussed philosophy with
the disenchanted, preached with the religious and conspired with shady
characters. Through my interactions with an assortment of individuals, I have
discovered that not all that glitters is gold and not everything in the mud is
unclean. I have witnessed that a person’s occupation does not define his character
nor does the prestige of one’s job make him more respectable or nobler than the
next guy. In effect this has taught me to be more flexible and less judgemental
when dealing with people.

It has been an eye opening experience to see life at both ends
of the fence, I frolicked where the grass seems greener and endured in the side
where there was eternal drought. I have traversed many sides on the track of
life and have seen facets which only a few have a chance to glimpse upon, as a
result it has broadened my perception of life in general and has trained me to
always keep an open mind.

In my excursion of three and a half decades, I have crossed
diverse paths; a few were straight, paved and unobstructed while most were
crooked, potholed, strewn with scores of obstructions and lead to a lot of
forks in the road. I have been blessed to come this far with only a few scars
to show for the challenges I confronted and the obstacles I overcame. It dawned
on me only after being estranged from my loved ones, that I was the one who dug
the holes I fought hard to crawl out of in the first place and that there lies
a fine line between reality and the truth.

The first half of my life has been an arduous and demanding
journey towards enlightenment and self-realization. Though I don’t have much to
show in terms of financial assets nor do I own any material possessions of
consequence, I still feel wealthy for I believe that my riches lie in all the
precious lessons I’ve learned, my prosperity is in the lasting relationships I
built with my friends and my most important treasure is the unbreakable bond of
love with my family.

As I draw my second wind and embark to carry on the second
half of my life story; I give thanks to my friends / surrogate family here in
Doha for their camaraderie and unending kindness which makes my stay here
easier to bear; I extend my warmest gratitude to all my friends (in real and
virtual life) who have accompanied me in spirit or online during the dullest
and oftentimes depressing of moments and for the unexpected messages which
makes me feel closer to home somehow; I affirm my deepest admiration to my
parents who have never lost their faith in me and for their limitless patience
and love which motivates me to become a good parent and provider for my kids; I
express my heartfelt love and appreciation to eya, josh, jecho and the rest of
my family for their immeasurable love and unrelenting support which inspires me
to strive to become a better person.; I proclaim my sincere gratefulness to the
lord almighty who has always lead me to the right path, despite the many times
I have strayed.

I load the backpack of my mind with the priceless lessons
I’ve learned to be prepared for the challenges that lie ahead. I fill the
canteen of my heart with the inspiration from my friends and family to quench
my thirst when I face the most desolate of trying times. I wear the shades of
the lord’s wisdom and equip the flashlight of his guidance to help me find the
right path if I once again get lost along the way, for tomorrow begins another
journey which duration and destination is unknown. No matter what the end may
be, it would be the journey which would matter in the end.

p.s.
an inspiring entry i came across http://marieldomingo.multiply.com/journal/item/92
posted with permission

Enough

A time comes in your life when you finally
get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you
stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside
your head cries out - ENOUGH!
This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting
for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security
to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms
with the fact that in the real world there aren’t always
fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and
that any guarantee of "happily ever after"
must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity
is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that
not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of
who or what you are and it’s OK. (They are entitled to their
own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of
loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense
of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop blaming other people for the things they did to
you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only
thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn
that not everyone will always be there for you, and that
it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on
your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a
sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to
accept people as they are and to over look their shortcomings
and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and
contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the
world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions
that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin
to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how
you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn’t
weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what
you should drive, how and where you should live, what you
should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you
should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the
importance of having and raising children, or what you
owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of
view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you
are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference
between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the
doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never
have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn
to go with your instincts. You learn to distinguish between
guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting
boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only
cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs
get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love.
How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving,
and when to walk away. You learn that you will not be more
beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important
because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears
your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and
not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control
people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just
as people grow and change, so it is with love. You learn that
you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms.
Just to make you happy. And, you learn that ‘alone’
does not mean lonely.

And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact
that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop
trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing
over how you "stack up." You also stop working
so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over,
and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly o.k.
. . and that it is your right to want things that you want.
And that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You
come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with
love, kindness, sensitivity, respect, and you will not
settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who
cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch. And
in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. You begin
eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking
more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes
the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more
time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter
fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you
believe you deserve. And that much of life is a self-fulfilling
prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth
working for, and that wishing for something to happen is
different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success,
you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You
also learn that no one can do it all alone and its OK to risk
asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly
fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself.
You learn to step right into and through your fears, because
you know that whatever happens, you can handle it, and to
give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your
terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living
under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t
always fair, you don’t always get what you think you
deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting,
good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize
things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing
to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.
And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -
the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and
resentment must be understood and redirected, or they
will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe
that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong
and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful
and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for
granted, things that millions of people upon the earth
can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running
water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin
to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself, and
you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself
and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s
desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen
to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep
trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your
side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin
to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

It feels like an eternity since I last posted an entry, a plethora of ideas swarm my head as I try to figure out what topic to compose. I type them down and end up with an abundance of unfinished introductions. I find it hard to keep my thoughts together, my muse is depression and lately I haven’t been down in the dumps. A few days ago, someone commented that most of my entries are somewhat depressing and somehow reflects that working away from home is eating me up. I review my compositions and couldn’t help but agree that the assessment was fairly accurate, I do recall writing a handful of these entries at certain moments when I was feeling quite melancholic, utterly homesick and bored to death. Depression was an ailment I had to contend with and putting my thoughts in writing was the just what the doctor ordered.

In retrospect I see it as a stage of transition similar to the feeling of a student moving to a new school, leaving everything and everyone familiar behind and readjusting to a new environment and different people. It has been very challenging to start anew in unfamiliar surroundings with foreign traditions. Acclimatizing to the local weather conditions was among the first of many daunting tasks I had to face, the extreme heat of summer and sudden change to the cold nights of ‘winter’ left me sick for almost a week during my first encounter with the change of the seasons. With no one to rely on for care, I had to force myself to drink medication on time and eat even if I had no appetite. It was a rude awakening to self sufficiency.

Working in an interracial environment for the first time was another challenge I had to wrestle with, dealing with Cypriot, British, Indian and Arabic co-workers and clients with their diverse customs and oftentimes strange diction, proved to be interesting and at certain times burdensome. I had to be sharp when listening to my Scottish boss’ instructions as his accent was tricky to decipher and at the same time I had to learn the local ‘carabao’ English jargon as most Indian subordinates, Cypriot foremen as well as Arabs couldn’t comprehend direction delivered with proper English grammar.

Assimilating the job however was almost an effortless adjustment, as the job here compared to work back home is quite unalike in terms of workload. Work here is limited to what is cited in one’s job description whereas back home, one needs to be a multi-tasking master to be competitive in his career. In a sense we are paid better for lesser work in contrast to jobs back home where we are paid less for more work. I feel privileged to be given an opportunity to work in an international environment, it has been an enlightening experience to be acquainted with global standards and exposure to high tech construction methods has been fascinating.

The greatest challenge I had to overcome has been (and at times still is) boredom and homesickness. The longing for home brought about by boredom causes serious depression streaks. Filling the void which used to be dedicated to either family or friends has been an arduous undertaking. Oftentimes, the idle time after work leaves the impression that the night seems longer than the day. Thankfully my previous vacation supplied me with ample inspiration to last another year away from home.

So as I began my second year as an overseas contract worker, I felt the need to subdue the beast that is boredom and I have found the perfect weapon, the sword of acceptance. I have finally accepted that working away from home is part of my fate and would probably last longer than I have initially planned. Thus instead of wallowing in despair, I have sought out ways to resolve my predicament. We applied for a broadband internet connection not so long ago and it has been very beneficial in the battle against boredom. Surfing the net and downloading ‘stuff’ has been an effective way to while away the time, not to mention a powerful tool for keeping in touch with family and friends. It has been very advantageous to be able to exchange real time instant messages and e-mails with family, relatives and long lost friends, it substantially helps curb the longing for home. Aside from net surfing, I have started going to the gym recently, keeping fit while killing the time is like hitting two birds with one stone. In addition, I have been very fortunate to be blessed with a wonderful circle of supportive friends whom I treat as my surrogate family here in Qatar. Our Thursday gatherings and impromptu coffee sessions give us not only the much needed break from the monotony of our daily routine but also an opportunity to build camaraderie.

It has been a long and painstaking journey towards the acceptance of my life as an overseas contract worker, but it is inevitable. It is a choice I have made and have to live with. Over time I have come to appreciate the advantages of working abroad and realized that the series of events which lead me here is part of a grand design which will eventually reveal itself. I pin my hopes on the fact that everything is fleeting, even working away from my loved ones. I set my sights on the future, when I have met the needs of those who rely on me and accomplished the goals I have set, when all that is left is to reap the rewards of my sacrifice. Until that time comes, I shall at all times don my helmet with honor, bear my armor with courage, sword and shield always at hand battle ready to strike down any challenge that come my way.

The first week of March is over, it’s as if
seven days just elapsed in an instant. Looking back, the past six weeks since I
returned have been a blur. When one is preoccupied at work, time seems to be
flying even faster than usual. The hours tick like seconds and the days and
weeks slip by in a blink of an eye. However there are certain moments when life
here gets excruciatingly boring, usually that feeling creeps in at the end of each
working day. 

Returning to the company provided
accommodation is quite unlike going to your own home after a hard day’s work. The
Filipino staff in our company number more than 30 but interaction is at a
minimum. At the villa, we usually meet only at mealtimes or when there are
general meetings for the mess hall or some organized event. Every once in a
blue moon there’s a birthday of an officemate to celebrate. Other than that we just keep to ourselves in our cold unsympathetic rooms. Although some of my
workmates have become my friends, the warmth and love of being at home with the
family is incomparable.

In the absence of familial relations, we
resort to different means to distract ourselves from chronic boredom and
loneliness. On regular days the net grants us temporary reprieve from the
uneventful evenings. Seeking out old friends through friendster, posting in
interesting forums, downloading the latest movies, TV show episodes, manga and
utilities along with the occasional chat with family and friends helps to kill
idle time. In the fortunate event that we get a hold of DVD’s, we hold DVD
marathons and engross ourselves in the film to lose track of the time.
Indulging in PC Games has also been an entertaining diversion. In due course
all these activities still prove to be but temporary distractions to fill in
for the lack of kindred interaction, thus I thank the lord for the first week
of the month, coffee and Thursdays.

The months’ first week means we still have
some money left over after sending the bulk of it home. We get a chance for
bosing fredo to spoil us with his generous dinner treats or for spur of the
moment coffee conferences with friends and while away the night with discussion
of wacky subjects and hot seat sessions.

Thursday is the only day we break away from
our daily routine and have get-togethers with friends. Sometimes we play
network games but often we dine, drink and share ideas. A chance to savor mama
gretch’s savory concoction of a meal is a tummy-filling respite from the bland
taste of our mess hall food. The wonderful opportunity for lively and uninhibited
conversations with our handsome, pretty, witty and wacky friends from QA and
Maison under the influence of St.
Michael or some other foreign beverage (which papa pomski likes to try) surely
beats the hell out of the monotony of staring at the laptop. Discussions which
range from the mundane to the solemn and sentimental is a welcome relief to the
technical conversations often held at the office, not to mention a great
opportunity to learn from diverse views and a source of support from friends
who share the same plight.

There are some who misconstrue that Thursday is just another excuse for rowdy drinking sessions. They do not see beyond the facade, the warm bonds of friendship being nurtured or the kinship being forged which gives us even for a brief moment a sense of belonging. This break from the routine which comes but once a week inspires us to soldier on in our jobs, for in the camaraderie of friends we feel we are still alive and not just flesh covered robots following the program hardwired into its circuits.

Thank God for friends and Thank God it’s
Thursday!

The sand filled rain during the first few days of February brings back memories of the rainy New Year I celebrated back home. I feel nostalgic and at the same time awed at how time flew by so quickly, my leave seemed to be over so soon and now I’m back at work. It reminds me of a film I saw recently, Click, though it was a comedy, the message of its plot can not be taken lightly.

It tells the story of an architect who, in pursuit of success, took for granted the more important aspects of his life without even knowing it. He reached the pinnacle of success but not without a price, time slipped by him so fast and through the years he lost his wife, became strangers with his kids and parents then he ultimately lost his father without even saying how much he had loved him. Only then did he realize his blunder, right at the moment when his own life was just about to end. Fortunately for him, there was a twist in his life story, just like in many movies, it turned out that everything that happened was just a dream and he still had time to change the path he would take.

The lead characters’ story was the kind of life I had sworn not to live, a life focused on financial & material gain but at the price of mass breakdown of all emotional ties with one’s family, an unfair bargain in my point of view. Though I find nothing wrong in investing in a financially secure future, I believe investing in emotions specially with loved ones, is just as important. What good is a nice comfortable house when a person lives alone? What purpose does one’s material wealth serve, when he has no one to share it?  Every material thing or personal accolade a man accumulates won’t matter at the end of the day, for no matter how much he tries, he can not take them beyond the grave.

As I reflect on my own existence, i fear I might tread on the same path as the films’ protagonist, if I’m not wary of how time flies. It is quite easy to get lost in our daily routine; work ten hours a day, twenty six days a month, send money home, repeat for eleven months then take a leave for two months. I’m already into my second year but it seems just like yesterday when I first left home. I have missed almost two years from my kids’ lives, two years worth of laughter, warm hugs and memories we could have made, two years I cannot take back no matter how much I pay or pray.

Time does seem to be always on fast forward, very much similar to the film, Click. And just like in the movie, it often takes a tragic event or extreme heartache to awaken a person to the real meaning of his existence. My own wake up call came roughly three years ago, fortunately for me it didn’t take a dreadful incident but just heartbreaking circumstances to jolt me back to my senses.

One of the essential lessons I learned then, was that change is the only constant thing in this world; friends come & go, love sometimes fades, wounds heal, pain goes away in time, money doesn’t last, children grow up, we grow old and in the end everyone will bite the dust. Accepting the truth that life is fleeting has profoundly affected my outlook in life, though learning that lesson entailed a lot of pain, I am grateful I have realized it sooner (though not soon enough) rather than later.

In real life unlike reel life, we are not afforded a twist in our life story which would allow us to go back in time and change our mistakes or given precognitive dreams of how our life would turn out to be. Just like everyone else we charge blindly into the future, we can only hope that we make the right choices along the way and have the strength to face the consequences of the decisions we made.

p.s. a gem I plucked from the net

WHAT WILL MATTER

by: Michael Josephson

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.
So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to-do lists will expire.

The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won’t matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.
It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built;
not what you got, but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew,
but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.
What will matter is not your memories,
but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.
It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.

It’s been barely a week since I’ve returned from my temporary reprieve (my vacation leave), once again I’m back in incarceration (at my job). Unlike others who battle with jet lag right after they arrive, I clash with a more formidable foe, homesickness. My thoughts are consumed by the memories of the wonderful time I had spent with my family and friends, following me even in my sleep as I dream.

Thus, I often browse the loads of photos which I have amassed during my brief stay, to fight the heavy feeling of yearning for home. I scan through recently taken digital pics and some old scanned photos, I come across some picture perfect Kodak moments: candid shots of our family gatherings, forgotten photos of our youth, the warm and endearing smile of my children, wacky poses of my nephews and kids as well as the memorable excursions with family and friends, all captured and immortalized through the camera’s lens. As I sentimentally recollect about these blissful times, I also recall equally unforgettable instances which weren’t included in the pictures: the days spent just at home bonding with the family and playing with the kids, the petty instances of personal differences, the trying times of financial distress, a handful of exciting escapades and the impromptu get-togethers with friends that were imprinted only in my unreliable memory.

These numerous unforgettable occasions which fill my heart with joy, longing and inspiration often make me wish I had the ability to control time, so that I can make time stop and I could linger a little longer on those perfect moments even for just awhile. The reality that my vacation was temporary made every single second special, be it a momentous occasion or just a regular everyday event. Living in close proximity with your loved ones, even for just a brief moment, feels heavenly especially when you work a million miles away. It is at times quite depressing to think that some people take for granted their good fortune, being close to their family and friends and not having to suffer the melancholy of being detached.

As I see it, the cliché that familiarity breeds contempt does hold a lot of weight. Oftentimes people overlook the true value of what they have specially when it becomes a part of their daily routine. A handful of friends asked for advice on how to prepare for working abroad, for they had plans of seeking greener pastures away from home. I told them to treasure every moment they spend at home, to cherish not only the blissful times but also the trying times. The petty quarrels with their partner, their kid’s irritating incessant desire for attention, their parents’ unsolicited advice; all these are but trivial events which they will miss once they are detached from their family.

Living away from home, continents away from one’s comfort zone can open a person’s eyes to the larger scheme of things. Ironically, the distance has made me closer to my family and I have learned to appreciate them more. So instead of feeling gloomy, I feel grateful for the chance to have seen my loved ones once again. The memories we made fuel my drive to work harder so I may settle down sooner in the place I call home.

For now, I shall continue to find inspiration in my memories and my digital photo albums, for despite the vast bodies of water that separate us and the wide area of land that keep us apart, I feel the warmth of their love deep in my heart.

p.s.

it’s time to thank the following sponsors! (hehe showbiz)

dad & ma: thanks for your never ending generosity, love and support! god bless you always! i love you very much

my angels eya, josh and jecho:  i love you very much! study hard! a year will pass faster than you think and we shall be together again!

achie: sis thanks for looking after the kids and for our bonding! your d best aunt in the whole world! ingat cla sau sa states hehe lab u sis!

polibab & tita kath +  kids: i appreciate your hospitality and patience. gaelle, gianno, gilian + guidz: your the best couzins in the world for EJJ! i love you all!!!

cho paeng & mama zen + family: thanks for the great bonding and love! i lab u 2 cho paeng hehehe! jhana: sumbong ka ni jeco pag my kiss pa sau hehe check on them once in awhile ha!

ry: thanks sa hdd tol!sabay tayo ulit next year!

tess : thanks for your understanding + hospitality!TC always!

darling: tnx + ayo2 sa pag bantay sa bata ha! ayaw kasab-i! hehe ayaw sa pag uyab2!

carldemz + family: good luck on your plans tol!

dickdemz + family: more power sa career and biz mo tol!

tito ces: i’m eternally grateful for your generosity! GBU

bosing noel + ate jane: nice to see u again!bosing tnx sa lam mo na.

odi: blue post tau uli pag uwi ko hehehe

kuya joey and ate joy: thanks for hosting a wonderful sfc reunion! you guys rock!

brod jojo: thanks for picking me up bro and for the great despidida hehehe pakisabi  kay marjon bawi ako pag uwi ko hehe

norlan: ayo2 brod! thanks sa lingaw na bonding! hope all goes well with your plans!

brod danny: thanks for the bonding and stimulating conversations brod!

toto: nice seeing you again after 15 years! next year uli to! goodluck sa byahe!

ching: thanks for being great!!!

jr: next year hk disney na man!

Juls: thanks for keeping in touch! God bless u and ur family!

ej: ty! ty! ty!sa uulitin!

vb: tnx 4 keeping ur promise! TC

el: tnx 4 bein nice + praning! TC

mto: ei tnx for d bonding khit bitin! tc teach! hehe

nabs: papayat na choi! goodluck sa pag assemble!

teban: god bless ur plans brod!

buboy: i owe u one!

doodz: hmmm….ingat brad!

Obiwant: u owe me one! tnx padawan!

chey: thanks for accompanying me b4 i went home. hoping d best 4 ur family

lani: thanks for keepin in touch!

len: nice to meet u and shamrock too hehehe

MNMC + SJ + family: my deepest Apologies. i owe u big time.

sfc bros + sis: thanks for a great time! god bless u all!

vely and berns: thanks for the airport assistance. you are angels! 

to everyone else : thanks for the memories!!! see you again in 363 days!!!

There was a time during my freshman year at
the state university, which I can still memorably recall. I was riding the bus heading
to los baños, when the cute and sexy girl sitting beside me strikes up a
conversation. After a short introduction and small talk, she inquires if she
can ask a personal question. I nod in reply and mischievously await the
personal question she would ask, while conceiving of some naughty personal
questions I’d like to ask her in return. “Are you saved?” she innocently
inquires, politely I ask her to explain what she means. In the back of my head,
Pffftttt!!!…goes my naïve fantasy, dissipating into thin air. My excitement
turns into sheer disgust; a person I barely know admonishes me about the perils
of not having a personal relationship with  Jhey-Zus. Had she not been a cutie / hottie, I
would’ve rudely told her off or contested every word she said but being a
gentleman(iac), I obliged her instead . She continued to rant the rest
of the trip and I uttered a silent prayer that there be no traffic, so I can
reach my destination quickly and escape the clutches of the cute raving Jhey-Zus
fanatic. It had been quite a memorable encounter with a religious nut, not the
first but neither the last.

It’s quite amusing to observe what our religion
/ faith drives us to do. To approach a total stranger and ask if his soul has
been redeemed takes either a lot of guts or blind obedience to one’s beliefs. Faith
can have a very positive effect on a person; it can lift his spirits when he is
in the pits, it can provide hope to those who have none and it can heal
emotional wounds conventional medicines cannot mend. On the other hand
misplaced faith can have disastrous effects as well; people have banded and
unleashed terror in the name of their religion, people have been persecuted and
massacred in the name of cleansing their faith. As a result some people out of outrage
have denounced religion altogether. With the scandals involving religious
leaders, the division and conflict of the people due to widespread
misinformation plus the mudslinging of various religious denominations, can we
blame these people for turning their back on religion altogether?

All major religions have almost the same
doctrine and preach the same creed, albeit with different forms of delivery,
the basic message remains the same; Love your god, love / respect your
neighbor, be kind, be generous, have faith in your god, don’t lie, don’t steal,
among several other commandments which are often commonly proclaimed. Some denominations
even have similar deities, though having different names and status in the
hierarchy but basically performing the same function. It makes me wonder why
countries have gone to war in the name of faith and why people have been and
are continuously oppressed, persecuted and executed due to their religious
conviction. Why can’t we all peacefully co-exist and respect each others
beliefs just as our religion enjoins us to do?

As I see it, religion in itself is not the
root of the conflict but the people behind it. Two individuals may
interpret the same message in a different way, how much more a whole populace? History
shows us the command to ‘spread the word of God’ has been exploited by many a
leader with grandiose ambitions of world domination. Though spreading God’s
word can be done without the use of force, these charismatic leaders of men
influenced the citizenry to join their cause, leading vast armies to conquer
‘pagan’ nations. Eventually leading to massive bloodshed, subjugation and
forced conversion of the subdued population, in effect spreading the wrong
message of the lord. Whilst the message to be preached is  ‘love one another unconditionally’, the
message that is conveyed is ‘love your neighbor / enemy only if he shares the
same faith, otherwise conquer and convert these neighbors / enemies so you can
love (and enslave) them’.

Even at this present day and age, a handful
or persons manipulate their religion to bend the will of their followers.
Invoking the name of their deity and calling for a holy war to justify
terrorism and genocide. Surprisingly, there are still numerous persons who
blindly follow the unholy exhortations of their religious leaders, as if they
had no other choice and it was their divine duty. It is ironic that a message
of love and peace can bring about so much chaos and carnage when abused by ruthless
power-mongers. To add insult to injury, these people feel no remorse but
instead feel divinely righteous for accomplishing the will of their lord.

These people are comparable to some
spiritual leaders from different denominations who fail to practice what they
preach but instead manipulate the power of their position to enrich themselves
or lure oblivious victims to sate their lusts. They exploit their supporters
trust, leading them to self-serving undertakings instead of more godly pursuits.
These are the same individuals who are quick to pass judgement on other persons,
without batting an eyelash they hastily condemn the non-believer, the non-practicing
devotee, the immoral and unrighteous, blind to their own reflection in the
mirror. Though not all religious icons
and lay leaders are as heretical, these religious impostors inadvertently drag
the religion they represent with them as they fall from grace.

The misinterpretation and misrepresentation
of the divine message is sacrilegious and devastatingly tragic when manipulated
by ambitious people. It is inevitable though, for religious leaders are just
human, imperfect beings bombarded daily by temptations, some with less strength
of character can’t help but yield to it. However, the disdainful deeds of a
handful of persons should not discourage us from keeping the faith (in our
religion) nor prompt us to convert to other denominations.

Shifting religious affiliation won’t resolve
the issue and neither would turning into an atheist improve the situation. The
problem should be faced head on in order to find a rational and tangible
solution. Clichéd as it may sound but change does come from within. However
skeptical we are on influencing the multitude, we should at least try to
implement reform within us and in our own families, so that someday the seed of
change we plant today might bear fruit for our future generations. For unless
we broaden our way of thinking and truly ingest the heart of the divine message,
we shall remain as blind as some of our leaders who are also groping in the
dark and eventually end up like any other fanatic, following blindly false
beliefs. Someday it might be our children who would pose the question to an
unsuspecting stranger, similar to the hot religious nut I met in college. I can
almost hear the future go….. Pffftttt!!!

On occasions when homesickness gets the
best of me, I usually browse digital photos of my loved ones to ease my
yearning. It makes me grateful for the technology of photography, I find it
amazing that cherished moments in time can be frozen through the lens of a
camera. As I peruse my children’s photographs, I can’t help but feel a sense of
nostalgia. They have grown a lot in such a short span of time, they now have
crushes and opinions of their own, yet it seems just like yesterday when they
were still mumbling gibberish and feebly struggling to take their first few
steps. Seeing them grow up so fast somehow inspires me to have a trip down
memory lane and recollect about my own lost youth.

 
It really doesn’t feel like a lifetime has
passed when I too was once but a child, when Christmas and summer time had
magical meaning and my needs and desires were much simpler and uncomplicated,
craving only for toys and playtime while worrying only about homework and
chores. Work, politics, religion, sex, girls and relationships were not yet in
my vocabulary while fantasies of either being a ninja, a Jedi knight, a WWF
wrestler, a samurai warrior or superman consumed and inspired my dreams. It is
as if it all just happened recently, I can still even recall most of my friends’
names in grade school, although I probably wouldn’t be able to recognize some
of them. If there was something that I’m
quite particularly fond of recalling during this early stage of my life, it’s
that I had once made my parents proud, by being consistently among the top of
my class back then.

 
Unfortunately it didn’t last long, as I
failed to replicate the feat in high school, since angst and other
complications of adolescence set in. I remember being determined not to be
labeled a nerd, thus the average performance in my studies. However I
did excel in ‘extra-curricular’ endeavors, like bowling, billiards and barkada aside
from learning to drink and smoke among other “activities”. It was also during
this point in time that I had met some lifetime friends with whom I shared
countless mischievous misadventures.

 
College life was a fun filled and
outrageous roller-coaster ride emotionally and academically, which at times I look
back upon with awe and regret. Starting out at the state U was a blast. I was
initiated to independence, living away from my family for the first time in my
life. Like a wild animal that had been set free, I spent most of the time
partying, which eventually lead to my premature exile from my beloved school
and early return home. Everything went downhill from there as my rebellious
spirit reached its peak and I unknowingly allowed my hatred to consume my whole
being. Thankfully I came to my senses just in time and pursued the course which
I believe was destined for me, but had tried desperately to avoid due to
misplaced anger and pride.

 
As I continue to muse over my early life, I
smile as I come across some happy memories whilst I feel a tinge of sadness and
regret on other depressing recollections and missed opportunities. On the other
hand, I am alarmed at how fast time has seemed to speed by. Reminiscent of a
stray bullet which whizzes by, catching an unknowing bystander unaware, he only
feels the excruciating pain as the hard hot steel pierces his soft supple skin.
It seems as if in just a blink of an eye, we have lost our innocence and our
youth. Sooner than we know it, we’ll be facing middle age challenges. Only then
will we look in hindsight and ask our self where the time has gone, and
fruitlessly try to pick our brains, rummaging through the archives of our
memory for the time lost to oblivion.

 
I’ve come to realize that time is a
precious commodity we often take for granted, believing we always have time in
our hands and tomorrow is still far-away. Often we find ourselves tied up at work, business or in pursuit of some
other undertaking that we believe would give us self-fulfillment, we barely
notice that time has flown past us. Not until we see streaks of gray that
naturally highlight our hair or when our child knocks us back to our senses by
answering us rudely, signifying that the cycle of life will soon come full
circle and we shall soon find our self in the bottom of its loop. Even so, some
still fail to grasp that we are in a countdown, every second ticking like a bomb
ready to explode and with every instant that passes, our time and those of our
loved ones slowly trickle away like the sand in an hourglass. It is imperative
that we should regularly assess if we are investing the limited time we have in
truly worthwhile endeavors, hence when our time finally runs out we would have
no regrets.

 
Sometimes it’s distressing and dreadful to
acknowledge that we are on a one-way time machine which is always moving
forward and never backward, we can never take back things we did nor go back on
hasty decisions we made. However, we have no choice but to accept the fact that
life is too short. To dwell on depression, discontent and regret would be a
waste of our precious borrowed time. Instead we should forgive ourselves and
those who hurt us in the past, count our blessings and make the most of what we
have. We should never lose hope, for as long as we still breathe, we have the
opportunity to make up for our misdeeds, rectify certain wrongdoings and shape
our future to how we desire it to be.

I’m coming home I’ve done my time…so goes the lyrics of a sentimental old song, I smile as I hum to its tune, for I empathize with the vocalist’s words and feel the longing, anticipation and uncertainty he expresses. Like the singer, I too am on my way home after over a year and a couple of months of detainment (at my job) here in Qatar. Alas, I will get to be in the loving company of my family and friends once again! (Yahoooooiieee!) I find it difficult to contain my excitement  as I look forward to the days I will be spending back home (even if it’s still a few months away) and simultaneously try hard to block out the thoughts which remind me that my freedom will be short-termed and short-lived.

As I fantasize about the things I’ll be doing and the people I’ll be seeing, I look back to the year that was and observe that a migrant workers’ lifestyle is somewhat comparable with that of inmates (or at least that’s how I feel). Since we too are incarcerated, not by jail cells but by the thousand miles of ocean that separates us from our homeland and by our contracts which keep us from going home. We are similar to jailbirds crying for liberation, though we desire not just to be free but to be home, close to the ones we love.  Resembling convicts, we cross out the number of days that have passed ‘til we reach the eagerly anticipated moment of freedom, either the end of our contract or on the day we go for our vacation leave. Fortunately unlike prisoners, we are well-compensated for our services, we have the liberty to go wherever we wish (as long as it’s in Qatar), and we have our annual reprieve in the form of a vacation leave (plus there is no tattoo riddled thug asking us to bend over to pick up the soap). Thank God for small blessings!

I push aside my sentimental observations and revert to daydreaming, visualizing myself doing things I neglected to do and visiting people I had taken for granted. I notice that there are a lot of things I miss, others quite trivial and some extremely noteworthy, I can’t imagine how I could fit doing it all in a span of two months. It sometimes seem that we are part of a cosmic joke, pining for the things we would’ve liked to do only when we don’t have the opportunity to carry them out, longing to set out to places we never even visited when it was just a stone’s throw away, yearning for the persons we care about most only when we can’t be with them and then being given the opportunity to make up for all these, in such a short time span. It feels tragically amusing to be in such a quandary.

In retrospect, I assess why I have arrived at such a dilemma. It dawns on me, I was either too preoccupied in pursuit of my endeavors or was just too caught up in self indignation then, to notice I was neglecting countless persons and overlooked several chances to do the things which I now miss. I have come to realize that we have to occasionally take a step back and view our lives in a different perspective in order to completely appreciate its true splendor; otherwise we remain stuck in the unending cycle of taking for granted seemingly inconsequential things. I feel fortunate it didn’t have to take a catastrophic event for me to arrive at such an insight and look forward to setting things straight come vacation time.

However my excitement comes with a tad of ambivalence, after hearing the tales of my compatriots who have returned from their trip home. After recounting cheerful stories of reunion and recreation, some have said that much is expected (financially) from pinoy foreign workers. Some have shared that they had to spend a great deal to impress their whole clan, lest be labeled a scrooge whilst others ruefully stated that their friends disappeared as soon as the free drinks ran out. Even some well compensated friends relate that going home is quite expensive and often they return cash strapped. This bodes ill for first timers like me who have yet to amass a lot of cash for a big fat savings account.

I Break free from the clutches of worry and set aside my unfounded fears, confident that my company weighs much more than its weight in gold (at least to my family and genuine friends) and contemplate more on how to squeeze the things I want to accomplish in the short duration of my vacation. No matter how I see it, two months cannot compensate for a year long absence. All the special occasions I missed can never be taken back and celebrated all at one time, it just won’t feel right. Time waits for no one, thus the best option for me, would be to wisely make the most of the allotted time I have and be grateful I’ve been given such a splendid opportunity.

Sensing that my ruminations are frequently derailing my wishful thoughts, I pick up from where I left off and picture myself being soaked in sand-free rain. I can almost smell the rain and feel the raindrops on my face, while I hear my angels cheering and giggling.

My boss drops in, daydreaming time is over.

I continue humming the tune in my head and wonder if there will be ribbons when I arrive home.**

** to the wiseguys: not to be taken literally..too sappy..hehehe

Wake up, Eat, Work for 10 hours, Eat, Watch
TV or DVD, Tinker with the laptop, Sleep.  Repeat 6 days a week. On the night of the
sixth day, either do the laundry and some menial chores or go out to drink with
some friends if there’s booze available or engage in warfare and conquer evil
forces through network games with some buddies. On the seventh day, sleep,
sleep, sleep and eat, that is if it’s declared as a non-working Friday,
otherwise resume regular daily routine. Come salary time send money home, shop
for supplies, and eat at a fancy place then go back to regular programming. Repeat
for three hundred sixty five days or until parole (read: scheduled vacation
leave). This has been my daily / monthly pattern for the past year. Gratefully,
I have survived and adapted to this new lifestyle which is so unlike the life I
used to live, barely earning enough but happy with the company of loved ones.

Though it has been a painfully boring routine
at times, it is undeniable that it has been financially rewarding. However, it
sometimes feels that the sacrifice isn’t worth it, especially when the longing
for the company of your nearest and dearest sets in. For a person who believes
that the best things in life can not be compensated by money, it is an ironic
dilemma, to be earning well but yearning for the company of the people he
treasures most,  all the time. The ends they say will justify the means,
but does it really?

During drinking sessions with friends, we
occasionally talk about the drone-like existence we endure just to earn well,
observations about the Philippines; the advantages of our culture and our flaws
as a people which impede our nations’ progress aside from the regular topics of
the best buy laptops, the next cool gadget, vacation plans, the necessitated practice
of celibacy, sex, cup sizes, fantasies, fetishes, women, sports and what to do
next weekend to avoid boredom. On several semi-somber/sober occasions we
discussed if working back home would still be an option, what would be the
ultimate result and other by-products of working away from the family and how
long will we be in servitude of foreign masters toiling far away from the
homeland?

We have collectively agreed that we would
probably survive if we chose to seek employment back home, then again that
would mean going back to the circus, doing the financial juggling act and being
the underpaid multi-tasking workhorse. If we can get employed as an executive in
a prestigious multi-national company, our fortunes might change. However I
think it would be easier to prove that unicorns and vampires exist, rather than
be fortunate enough to be hired by a blue-chip company with the vast
competition that abound. With these thoughts in mind, we come to the conclusion
that working in the Philippines
under the current economic situation would be the final option.

On the other hand this would mean many more
years of staying employed overseas, an option I personally find unpleasant and
unacceptable. I abhor the thought of missing more milestones in my children’s
life. It has always been my dream to be an active participant in their lives,
as they find their way through the path of their life.  To be able to share with them their joys and
pains, to impart some of the wonderful and harsh lessons I’ve learned, to be
their buddy and adviser, to see my daughter transform into a woman and my sons
become men. These are the moments in a person’s life that cannot be compensated
by any amount of money.

A veteran OFW tells me, that missing out on
a child’s transformation is part and parcel of a migrant worker’s way of life,
lest he can bring his family to the host country where he works. Unfortunately,
this is an option limited only to a handful of OFW’s, for not all companies
/  employers support such endeavors.

Another buddy narrates the tale of a
migrant worker who has spent most of his life employed overseas to support his
family and see his children through school. He comes home only once a year, as
an OFW usually does. Finally, retiring from his job after the youngest child
has completed his studies. He hopes to finally spend some quality time with his
family, following years of being far away. As luck would have it the tables are
turned, it is his turn to be to be left behind. This time by his children, some
who already have families of their own and flew the coop while the others have
sought employment abroad to seek their own fortune.

As I listen to his heartrending story, I remember
a friend who had an OFW father. His dad provided for them well, gave them the
best gifts and sent them to first-rate schools when he was younger. To make the
story short after his studies his dad came home and that was the time their
disagreements began. The praises he previously showered upon his father for
sending him the best gifts had been replaced by resentment and complaints. They
didn’t notice it, but it was quite obvious, they were strangers. In my friends’
eyes, his father has been a good provider / giver of gifts but not a really dad
and probably in his father’s eyes, he was just another mouth to feed and sent
to school, a responsibility to be honored and not really a son.

Hearing such tragic tales makes me wonder
if this is the end that will justify the means. In an ironic sense, I guess it
does, but ultimately it won’t be worth the sacrifice. One has carried out his
duty as a good provider but at the cost of being an absentee parent resulting
in a shallow relationship. It is too steep a price to pay just to fulfill an
obligation. Time lost can never be regained, other means can be found to
meet a need. As I see it at the end of our borrowed time, our family won’t
be reminiscing how much we had given them in our absence but how loved we made
them feel while we were in their presence.

I utter a prayer and hope my fate will be
different from the stories I heard. But until the day I change my destiny,
stuck to the usual routine I shall be.

Wake up. Eat. Work for 10 hours. Sleep……..

* OFW=Overseas Filipino Worker

Not so long ago I was buried in the pits, consumed by substance abuse, blinded by pride, fueled by anger and thoughts of retribution. I heeded no one’s advice and listened only to those I felt had the moral ascendancy to address me. I caused an insurmountable amount of pain to the persons I held most dear but at that time, I didn’t care. I used to think I had everything under control, I calculated the risks and weighed the factors of my deeds, I was confident I would be able to bear whatever the consequences of my actions would be. I couldn’t have been more mistaken in my entire life.

I had to lose the company of the people I treasure most, just to realize how much of a fool I had been. I had let the rage inside me take control of my senses, unknowingly priming myself for a massive meltdown. It is truly ironic that regret comes only after the deed has been done. I realized I miscalculated and used the wrong formulas in my risk assessment, or in more simple terms, I fucked up big-time! For some time, I wallowed in sorrow and depression, spending many a night shedding tears of regret and shame, calling for heavenly guidance and forgiveness. Even in the company of friends, I felt alone. In solitude, I contemplated on my foolishness and wish I could take it all back. I paid a steep price just to prove my point and it wasn’t worth it

Fortunately, through the support of my family, assistance from some friends and divine intervention, I have emerged from the most tumultuous time of my life wounded but hopeful and optimistic. I am still alive and have every chance to make things right. I’ve been blessed with another opportunity to straighten my life. I now have a stable well-paying job and a new circle of friends, albeit I am quite far away from home. Still, I can not help but be grateful for this wonderful opportunity, for not everyone is given the same chance. Thus it delights me so, to see that a handful of my former comrades are on the same track as I, making amends and starting afresh.

As I turn over a new leaf, I try hard not to let the stigma of my past weigh me down nor forget all the lessons I’ve learned. The pain I bear each day I’m away from the ones I love, serve as a constant reminder of the things I had to learn the hard way. I had taken the crooked path to learn my most important lessons and though the journey was tough and the fare too costly, the lessons have opened my heart and mind to things other people are barely aware of or usually just take for granted.

I still have a long way to go setting things straight with the persons I offended and maligned, hopefully I can still piece together everything I’ve broken. I am optimistic for I’m quite sure that as long as I stay focused and keep distractions at bay (and with divine guidance /assistance), achieving my goals won’t be far away. ☺☺☺