Rants, Raves & Restless Thoughts

Not so long ago I was buried in the pits, consumed by substance abuse, blinded by pride, fueled by anger and thoughts of retribution. I heeded no one’s advice and listened only to those I felt had the moral ascendancy to address me. I caused an insurmountable amount of pain to the persons I held most dear but at that time, I didn’t care. I used to think I had everything under control, I calculated the risks and weighed the factors of my deeds, I was confident I would be able to bear whatever the consequences of my actions would be. I couldn’t have been more mistaken in my entire life.

I had to lose the company of the people I treasure most, just to realize how much of a fool I had been. I had let the rage inside me take control of my senses, unknowingly priming myself for a massive meltdown. It is truly ironic that regret comes only after the deed has been done. I realized I miscalculated and used the wrong formulas in my risk assessment, or in more simple terms, I fucked up big-time! For some time, I wallowed in sorrow and depression, spending many a night shedding tears of regret and shame, calling for heavenly guidance and forgiveness. Even in the company of friends, I felt alone. In solitude, I contemplated on my foolishness and wish I could take it all back. I paid a steep price just to prove my point and it wasn’t worth it

Fortunately, through the support of my family, assistance from some friends and divine intervention, I have emerged from the most tumultuous time of my life wounded but hopeful and optimistic. I am still alive and have every chance to make things right. I’ve been blessed with another opportunity to straighten my life. I now have a stable well-paying job and a new circle of friends, albeit I am quite far away from home. Still, I can not help but be grateful for this wonderful opportunity, for not everyone is given the same chance. Thus it delights me so, to see that a handful of my former comrades are on the same track as I, making amends and starting afresh.

As I turn over a new leaf, I try hard not to let the stigma of my past weigh me down nor forget all the lessons I’ve learned. The pain I bear each day I’m away from the ones I love, serve as a constant reminder of the things I had to learn the hard way. I had taken the crooked path to learn my most important lessons and though the journey was tough and the fare too costly, the lessons have opened my heart and mind to things other people are barely aware of or usually just take for granted.

I still have a long way to go setting things straight with the persons I offended and maligned, hopefully I can still piece together everything I’ve broken. I am optimistic for I’m quite sure that as long as I stay focused and keep distractions at bay (and with divine guidance /assistance), achieving my goals won’t be far away. ☺☺☺

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 5th, 2006 at 10:15 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.