Rants, Raves & Restless Thoughts

Dateline: September 5, 2006.

Three hundred sixty five days have passed since I started working abroad, but I can still recall vividly the day I first set foot in Qatar, as if it just happened yesterday. The grueling eight hour flight, the scorching heat and the olfactory attack from west Asian passengers marked my initiation to the world of the OFW. I never knew what to expect, it was my first time after all. Though I had long planned on working abroad, I never really envisioned how it would be since I always thought working in the Middle East would be my last resort. Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined that I’d one day end up here in Qatar.

I’ve fantasized of touring the United States and Europe but not in any place in the Middle East, least of all would I have thought of being employed here. My dad single-handedly supported our family without the need of working overseas, neither have I heard him entertain the idea of earning money abroad. He provided for our family well, sending us to the best schools and giving in to most of our whims and caprices. I found no reason why one has to be employed elsewhere just to earn well, that is, until I had a family of my own I needed to support.

Responsibility is an eye opener to reality, comparable to being awakened from a wonderful dream, you wish you can go back to sleep and continue your dream but you know that would be next to impossible. You are left with no choice but to get up from bed and face the real world. My awakening has lead me here in Qatar, cashing in on my last resort. Three growing children entail growing needs, needs which I barely met when I was still working back home. I can’t help but be in awe of my father’s accomplishments, making a name for himself and providing well for us, pulling it off without leaving our homeland.

As I think of ways how to thank my dad, I reflect on how he succeeded in his career and why can I not pursue the same path back home. An officemate provides a simple but accurate reply; the days of yore are different from our present situation. Back in their day, the peso was stronger, the economy and political state of affairs a tad more stable than it currently is, career-wise, competition was manageable and opportunities for development abound. Nowadays the peso is as unstable as the politicians wrestling for the seat of power, competition is cutthroat and developments are limited by the fluctuating economy. It’s disheartening to admit that his statement does hold true somehow, at least for most of us in the construction industry.

In one forum I actively participate in, a question was posted asking if OFW’s are deserters or heroes, deserters for serving other countries instead of their own or heroes for bringing in the much needed dollars that help sustain our economy. It drew diverse responses; some had stated OFW’s were deserters, unwilling to battle it through our economic woes and causing brain drain in effect; others reasoned OFW’s were heroes, not just for supplying dollars that help stabilize the economy but also for showing the world how smart, diligent and unselfish the Filipino people are.

After some introspection, I see myself as neither, I am but a man with a mission. I have a duty to provide well for my growing children, to be able to afford them even a fraction of what my father had bestowed me and my siblings. If in the pursuit of this course of action I become a deserter or a hero, then so be it. If I can earn at least half the amount of what I’m earning here back home, I would never choose to leave. Who in his right mind would desire to work in an unfamiliar environment, where your race is a minority, where customs and practices are entirely different than yours, where you are a million miles apart from the ones that you love? I wouldn’t but I have to.

Some people downplay how much of a sacrifice it is to work abroad. They are unaware of how difficult it is to go home after work daily, only to find your cold uncaring bed waiting for you in your room. No warm smiles, no eager hugs nor sweet laughter and I love you’s that relieve you from the stress of work. Your mind often wanders to where your heart longs to be, Home. In my point of view, homesickness is part of the compensation package we receive. However, I think no amount of money can compensate for this heavy feeling I bear as I trudge to the office day after day and force myself to work.

Homesickness is an OFW’s worst enemy. Idle time is major contributor to this feeling, the time usually allotted to family or friendly interactions every day is inexistent, creating a void that needs to be filled. Some say that the feeling of homesickness is temporary, once you get adjusted to your surroundings and make new friends, you would hardly notice it and soon it would disappear altogether. I believe this is but a sugar coated excuse or a lame form of denial. Homesickness never leaves any person who is away from home, at least not until he gets home, since going home would be the only cure for this malady. I have met some veteran OFW’s who have worked in the Middle East for the longest time, but still suffer from this inescapable disorder. Homesickness drives a handful of OFW’s to seek comfort in the arms of persons other than their legal partner, to compensate for the lack of physical and emotional reinforcement that they would otherwise receive had they stayed and labored at home. Due to their misery, they forget where their priorities lie and the reason why they came to work here in the first place. It takes a person with a strong will to survive the onslaught of temptation and depression; one needs to keep his eyes fixed on his goals, to avoid being derailed. This is the plight of a typical OFW, a predicament I now share, albeit reluctantly.

There have been times I’ve felt like a prisoner, a hostage of duty, incarcerated in a cage without bars, tortured by time and sentenced to suffer years of longing and deprivation, all for the sake of earning well. It is depressing to admit that currently I have no other choice but to remain imprisoned in this situation. I am bound by responsibility to pay forward to my children what my father afforded us, this by no means is an easy task, working here is my only option (for now).

I pause and evaluate if there are better alternatives i can explore back home. Mafi. None. Nada. Not until our economy bounces back and the construction industry rebuilds a stable foundation. Unfortunately for me and a million other OFW’s, that might take a life time. Thus until that time comes, I remain a captive of obligation, responding to the call of duty. A deserter, abandoning the routine of juggling finances monthly and escaping the clutches of financial instability. A hero, investing time, blood and tears to provide the best for his family.

What career would you have chosen, what kind of family would you have liked, who is the man / woman you would have married, what kind of life would you have liked to live? We encounter these questions at least once in our life. Often we answer these queries with what we think would have been the best career that would’ve suited us, the finest man / woman we believe could’ve been the best partner for us, the most comfortable kind of life we would’ve wanted and would benefit those that rely on us.

The what if’s or could have been’s, we contemplate on these topics one time or another in our life. These inquiries however, trigger deeper and more introspective questions, once we take a closer look at our answers. Why didn’t we choose the most fitting career, the right person or the appropriate kind of life in the first place? When, how and why did we sell out on our ideals? If we respond with a situation or a person that is totally unlike the current circumstances we are in, does it mean we are discontent and settled for something less?

We adapt to our real life situations as we see fit and somewhere along the line, we compromise our ideals in favor of a more realistic approach to our life’s needs. For instance, most of us guys in our youth would have wanted to be a pilot, but as we grow older we either are not physically gifted to fit a pilot’s bill (height & vision wise) or we don’t have the financial means to pursue a pilot’s course. This also holds true for those of us who would’ve wanted to be a doctor or an actor but have neither the mental aptitude nor the talent to pursue this career path. Same thing with the girl next door type we would have loved to marry, either she doesn’t have the personality we are compatible with or maybe we are too intimidated to even make the first move. It goes the same for the hunk-macho dude who turns out to be a playboy or gay. Won’t we all like to live a life of a royalty? The only requirement for this is that you have to be closely related to any living king or queen. As I see it, we didn’t really abandon our ideals or settled for something less, we just grew up and embraced reality.

We live with what we have and should make the most out of it. Hanging on to lost dreams would just make us bitter and resentful. We may not have the career we would’ve liked or be married to the ideal person or live the life we fantasized about but we can still improve our performance in our chosen field, enhance our relationships and enrich our lives. It’s just matter of perspective, if we focus on what can still be done instead of what should have been, our view on the life we have, would be much better. After all,We can not be thankful for that which we do not acknowledge.

In a Perfect world, there would be no poverty or war.

In a Perfect world, there would be no hungry or abused children.

In a Perfect world, countries would allocate more budget for poverty alleviation and education rather than weapons of mass destruction.

In a Perfect world, politicians would be sincere and keep all their campaign promises.

In a Perfect world, people would respect each other’s views and differences would be resolved without the use of violence.

In a Perfect world, friends would be loyal / honest and won’t be ungrateful backstabbing traitors.

In a Perfect world, children would respect their parents and parents won’t neglect their children.

In a Perfect world, families would stay together, men won’t philander and women wouldn’t nag.

In a Perfect world, all your efforts would be recognized and your misdeeds forgiven and forgotten.

In a Perfect world, people would follow the golden rule instead of being apathetic.

Unfortunately, the perfect world exists only in our fantasies and imagination. We live in an imperfect world, a world where some of life’s most important lessons are learned the hard way. A place where we have to make every effort to keep our commitments, stand up for our principles and work hard to keep the ones we hold dearest. A world where we are given the freedom to choose, either to strive to correct this place’s imperfections or to just wallow in the harshness of it’s reality.

Each of us has the responsibility of making the world a better place in our own simple way. The question is, will we answer the call?

Why do people always find something to complain about? I
oftentimes hear people rant and rave about their tiring / taxing job, their
insufficient salary, their philandering husband, their over-protective parents,
their stubborn child, their nagging wife, their corrupt politicians, their
hypocritical church leaders or just about anything else that displeases them
one way or another. It makes me wonder why these people find it difficult to grateful
for the things they have. A secure job, a steady income, a relationship with
someone who cares, a concerned family member, the gift of parenthood, a life
full of adventures & trials; these things need not be taken for granted but
be appreciated.

In most cases, people often neglect the fact they have
contributed something to arrive at such a predicament and focus only on the
object of their complaints. They forget that everything is cause and effect.
Thus they tend to look at the other side of the fence, where the grass always
seems to be greener.

It is so ironic that those who have more, desire more and
those who have less, are more grateful for the small blessings that come their
way and treat them as little miracles. It is an incontrovertible truth,
somebody else will always have something better than we do. There will always
be somebody smarter, wealthier or more attractive than we are and there will always
be something we would like to covet as long as we are discontent. The sooner we
accept this fact, the better will our viewpoint on our life will be. People are
inclined to compare themselves to those who are better off than them. If they
just observe those who have even less, their whole perspective of life would
change. The jobless, the poverty-stricken, the homeless, the orphan, the broken
family, the childless couple, the unbeliever, the disabled, the terminally ill
would surely want to have what some people fail to value.

We have been given a great gift we often overlook, the gift
of choice. The ability to choose, to either look at the brighter side of life
or to focus only on the negative aspects that surround it. We have the power to
change our life and our destiny. Instead of just grumbling and criticizing that
which displease us, we could take action to alleviate the circumstances
surrounding our life. Bearing in mind, we are not given anything that we cannot
overcome and that everything happens for a reason.

There is no need to look at the other side of the fence to
look for greener grass, we only need to tend our own backyard to make the grass
in our side of the fence greener.

Recently, I learned that a close
friend of mine passed away. He was the victim of an assassin, felled by gunshot
right in front of his son. I was aghast upon learning the news, I never
expected such a tragic end would befall upon my friend. Though we had shared
same adventures and revolved in the same shady circles, last I heard he had
also turned a new leaf.

Even though I didn’t shed a tear,
I felt a sudden feeling of sadness creep inside me. Flashbacks of our
misadventures flooded my mind, as I tried to recall the last time we spoke and
spent time together. It was quite disheartening to realize we won’t be sharing
any more in the near future. The guy had been there for me in one of the craziest and tumultuous
episodes of my life. I was in need of a friend and he heeded the call.

The feeling of losing somebody
dear, to death, is quite a new experience for me. Though quite a number of
friends and relatives have passed away, I didn’t have a real strong bond
with them, thus the loss was not as depressing. The loss of my close buddy was
different though. I still feel sad when I think about him, gone forever, lost
to the eternal beyond. I could only hope and pray that he is well wherever he
is and that his child would overcome the trauma of his death.

As I ponder about these things,
questions about my own mortality well up in my head and I try to reflect on the
things I did in my life. I’ve realized that as I grow older, the inevitability
of facing death draws nearer to me and my loved ones. Gone are the foolish
notions of invulnerability and eternal youth replaced by thoughts of how to
implement a healthy lifestyle and the optimal use of borrowed time. Worries of
how the end will come and what the afterlife has in store barrage my thoughts.
Shivers run down my spine as I contemplate on these morbid thoughts. I silently
utter a prayer hoping that my end would be quick and painless.

 It suddenly dawns on me, worrying about the
unknown will lead me nowhere, Life is too short to worry too much about losing
it. What we have to do is make the most of the time we have. To appreciate
first of all, that we are still given the precious gift of time. We still have
the chance to make right some mistakes of the past, to renew lost friendships,
to build up broken relationships. For me, it’s not how much you have earned or
how far you have climbed the ladder of success that matters most, but the
quality of the relationships you made and have. Death is a grim reminder we are
on a one way journey through life, we should often stop, smell the roses and enjoy
the views.

Ultimately, death will come to
collect us all but it won’t matter how we die, what matters is how we lived.

The world is becoming a smaller place thanks to the net. I
never knew how valuable the net is in my life until recently.

At the onset*, I found the net as a bottomless treasure
chest of porn. An unlimited resource of different kinds of adult material, from
the kinky to the bizarre. A virtual paradise for porn aficionados with
additional perks, you can also do some research about anything aside from porn.
Emails then, was confined to relatives abroad, since not as many people were
online during those days. Eventually, porn took a second seat to chatting**. The
web had evolved from porn reserve to hunting grounds (and of course the
optional information researches). Unfortunately for me, chatting wasn’t as
popular as it is now. Before, only techies knew of chatting or those who’s
course and jobs were related to computers, nowadays, the hottest of babes are
online. After huge bills from my ISP*** and several misadventures with ‘cyber
friends’, I laid low for awhile and began to use the net productively. Aside from
porn, I discovered the net was also a limitless resource of utilities and other
helpful apps as well as Mp3’s. Since the bandwidth has improved considerably,
downloading stuff became more convenient.

During those days, the net was just another source of
entertainment and escape. That all changed when I left for Qatar in ‘05. I’ve
personally witnessed how powerful it is as a tool for communication.

Thanks to the advances in technology in recent years, the
net has made emails a common medium of communication. Through the net my family,
relatives and friends are just a net café away. Through some topics on a forum I’m
a member of, I’ve learned a lot of people think like I do and share the same
ideas. Through some websites, such as friendster and yahoo groups,  I’ve
reconnected with old buddies and schoolmates, some of who are half-way around
the globe. The net is a terrific support group, bringing us all together
through a computer. Thank God for High Technology!

Did I mention it was also a treasure chest of porn?
(hihihi!)****

*       1996
**      1998
***     2000
****  specially helpful for us in the mid-east :P 

Ladies & Gentleman of the class of ‘97
Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
    sunscreen would be it.
    The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists,
    whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my
own meandering     experience
    I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh nevermind,
    you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until
they’ve faded.    
    But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself
    and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay
before you     and how fabulous you really looked,
    you are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that
worrying is as     effective as trying to solve an algebra equation
by chewing bubblegum.
    The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never
crossed your     worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on
some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,
    don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind,  the race is long, and in
the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults,
    if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank
statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with
your life,
    the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22
    what they wanted to do with their lives,
    some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have
children, maybe you won’t,
    Maybe you’ll divorce at 40,  Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your
75th wedding anniversary    
    What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate
yourself     either
    Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

    Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it,

    or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument
you’ll     ever own

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own
living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel
ugly.

Brother and sister together we’ll make it through
    Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
    I know you’ve been hurtin, but I’ve been waitin’ to be there for
you
    And I’ll be there just helping you out whenever I can

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be
gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings, they are the best link to your
past
    and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious
few you should     hold on.
    Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because
the older you get,
    the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in

New York City

once,
but leave before it makes you hard,
    Live in

Northern California

once,
but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise,
politicians will philander,    
    you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when
you     were young
    prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children
respected their     elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a
trust fund,    
    Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either
one might     run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re
40, it will     look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those
who supply it.    
    Advice is a form of nostalgia,
    dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off,    
    painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s
worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen

Brother and sister together we’ll make it through
    Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
    I know you’ve been hurtin, but I’ve been waitin’ to be there for
you
    And I’ll be there just helping you out whenever I can
    Everybody’s free oh yeah
    Everybody’s free oh yeah

and the analysis of it’s meaning taken from and MTC forum post

Lessons Learned…
Don’t date because you are desperate.
Don’t marry because you are miserable.
Don’t have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don’t philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don’t associate with people you can’t trust.
Don’t cheat. Don’t lie. Don’t pretend.
Don’t dictate because you are smarter.
Don’t demand because you are stronger.

Don’t sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.
Don’t hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don’t sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won.
Only a price to be paid for some of life’s more hasty decisions.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don’t abandon your responsibilities but don’t overdose on duty.

Be true to yourself.
Don’t commit when you are not ready.
Don’t keep others waiting needlessly.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don’t wait for someone to take care of you.

Live your dreams.
Don’t lose faith in your God.
Don’t grow old. Just grow YOU!

Like a broken record,
the chorus line of the boomtown rat’s song, “I don’t like Mondays”, keeps
echoing in my head. The tune is the same, except for the word Monday which is
replaced by Sunday. Going something like this, “tell me why, I don’t like
Sundays, tell me why, I don’t like Sundays, tell me why, I don’t like Sundays,
I’d like to shoot the whole day down!”. I hum to it’s tune and search the net for it’s lyrics, as i ask myself why and how did i come to hate sunday.

I didn’t really used to hate
Sundays. In fact, it was the day of the week I really looked forward to, before
I left home. Sunday had always been the day for family gathering or outings.When I was a kid, Sundays,
usually meant a day of frolicking at the beach or eating out at a fancy
restaurant. It was a day for visiting the grandparents or other relatives and
on numerous occasions, a trip outside the city. As I grew older, Sunday
excursion with the family became lesser as each year passed. However, big
family gatherings still took place on a Sunday.

When I got married and had my own
family, Sunday was usually spent in my folk’s house, having dinner or lunch and
bonding with my brothers’ family. I truly enjoyed seeing my kids bonding with their
cousins. It brought flashbacks of my own childhood, the memories of all our
childhood pranks with our cousins. (Sentimental nostalgia of carefree nonchalant
days). On other occasions, Sunday was just spent either at home watching cable
and messing around with the kids or going to the mall getting groceries after
going to church(occasionally J ).

As I recall my Sundays of yore ,
I realize, I actually don’t hate Sunday. I miss it. A day of quality time with
the family, a day of bonding, a day of creating memories that last a lifetime.

Sunday used to be a very special
day. Now, it has been reduced to a regular working day, no wonder I hate it

TA-DaH! Finally made my own blog after taking an eternity to decide what to name it and the things i should post.  Dunno why i have had such a difficulty deciding about making a blog. i like reading blogs and essays but posting my own blog is a new experience for me.
So bear with me as i try to share musings from my twisted mind, after all i’m a virgin when it comes to blogging! :p Welcome to my world!